my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
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Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
birds and squirrels envy us
selfie game
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.