“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
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Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.