Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
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one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.