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Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
New tinder profile pic
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
When someone says you are so lazy
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something