ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
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Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔