Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
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me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅