I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
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Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.