[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
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Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
#Caturday