Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Match dot com, but for socks.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together