Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
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Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel