Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
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You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective