Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
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I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
this is the greatest thing ever
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus