hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
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*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
There is no “we” in pizza
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls