Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
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Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?