Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
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Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.