I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
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4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
me as a parent
¯_(ツ)_/¯
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
grotesque if literal: baby food
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures