Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
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Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.