Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
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HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Challenge accepted.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude