Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
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Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.