Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
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CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.