Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
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*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
jesus christ confetti not now
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
my favorite genre of twitter
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.