Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
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Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist