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[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
#merica
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.