Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
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Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
ugh not again
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Just say no
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves