I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
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I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
#oldknees
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.