One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
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What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.