if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
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Incredible customer service.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.