I bet
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I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
A bold strategy
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I hope they boil the right one.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Me driving through Toronto
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ