no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
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Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
That lamp looks PISSED.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Raisins are grape jerky.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy