A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
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gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.