[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
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People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect