wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
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The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
had to share :’)
Hot Hot Hot
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.