“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
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My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.