Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
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2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.