Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
You Might Also Like
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.