“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
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Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*