For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
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Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.