*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
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when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.