What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
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I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
best review i鈥檝e ever seen
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Happy Halloween 馃巸
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I鈥檒l be behind hiding my couch forever..
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.