date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
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Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
In case you needed to hear it:
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell