[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
You Might Also Like
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.