“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
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My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
2023 was just a warmup
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.