My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
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Just so funny
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”