Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
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My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!