it was love at first sight
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My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”