Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Isn’t
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.