Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
You Might Also Like
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to