Needless to say…*
*mic drop
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My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Body by sandwich.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.