Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
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My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.