So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
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She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Happens to everyone.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!